Updated: Nov 15, 2021
Sometimes we create images in our mind. A false reality that seams so real. But deep down, we know right and wrong. No matter how long we try to suppress it, it's still there. We lie to ourselves that everything is ok, but our conscience continues to tell us its only a facade. We start becoming physically and mentally sick. Then in the flash of a moment, reality breaks through the walls and barriers we have built, and nothing is clear anymore.
That's what happened to me. He sat in the camper, he didn't come out. It showed me the reality that it was all a lie. He didn't even have the courage to face me. I had been used for his pleasure for years. My heart was broken. I was devastated.
Things might have been different if he had come out though. Maybe it's God's grace that he didn't come out, that he hid. If he had come out, I may have hidden it for the rest of my life, I would have been alone in my pain. I would never have the opportunity to heal. It would have remained in darkness.
I would have done anything for him. All he had to do was ask. That's how unhealthy I was. I did things throughout the years, that looking back, I should never have done. But he asked. Mesmerizing. The word was used recently by a wise woman. She was right. I was mesmerized. Like Ahab by Jezabel.
Not that I ever killed anyone physically, but did I kill the character of others in defense of him? Even if it was only inside my mind? Looking back, I believe I did. I struggle with the thought of how did my mind get there?
I'm still healing. It's only been two months since everything shattered. I'm still picking up pieces, and fitting them together. But the important thing is that I know this isn't God. Even if the man who hurt me was supposed to be a man of God, a minister, God didn't do this.